Have you ever realized how easy it is to set yourself up for discouragement and stress... if you allow that to happen?Our daughter Desiree is our sports nut: volleyball, basketball, cheer-leading, soccer... she would probably squeeze in more if she could manage more hours in the day. Nathan enjoys his time playing baseball, but Desiree is definitely the extra curricular enthusiast. Well, last week our daughter's doctor called. She had gone in for a sports physical so she can participate in the next school years' sports activities. She announced to me over the phone that she is not approving Desiree's physical form, and that there are concerns she wanted to discuss. Apparently during the physical, she observed symptoms and concerns that lead her to believe Desiree has Marfan's Syndrome. (What??).
Personally, up until that point, I had never heard of such a thing. All I heard was "syndrome", and my heart skipped a beat, my voice got jittery, and I'm pretty sure my eyes accumulated more moisture than normal. At the time of her call, I was on the road with Mike, a couple days away from arriving home. What is it? Is it urgent? Is Desiree safe? Do I need to get her to a hospital? Will our insurance cover this? What happens next?
Her doctor gave a brief explanation of Marfan's Syndrome (which only left me with ten times as many questions), and told me she couldn't approve Desiree's physical for sports until I had her observed by a cardiologist, confirming her prediction. The call seemed to end pretty quickly after that statement. Meanwhile, I'm sitting in the passenger's seat, trying to remember everything she said, relaying it to a concerned Mike, who only heard my end of the conversation, along with the many random questions that popped into my head while on the phone. Not remembering half of what she said about Marfan's, I was thankful to find we were traveling in a 3G area so my phone's internet was accessible, as I frantically started Googling for information.
That's when my fleshly mind separated from the heart of calming peace, control, and comfort. All the "symptoms" Mike and I have brushed off as growing pains, puberty, sports involvement, and basic teenage paranoia all appeared on the list of physical symptoms for Marfan's Syndrome. Oh my gosh, how on earth had I let all these things be brushed off when all along my daughter was suffering from this syndrome that could literally kill her if not medically maintained and monitored!? I felt like the worst mother ever for not picking apart all these things, and having that motherly instinct letting me know ahead of time that something was wrong with my child. I'm sure I didn't help Mike's normally rational and collected thinking on the subject with all my random thoughts spilling here and there as I read more and more about it as we ventured down the road.
Sadly, my mind immediately absorbed the worst. My mouth kept speaking that God had it all under control, that everything happens for a reason, that nothing is put on us that the Lord won't help get us through... my heart wanted to focus on those things, but my mind, my wandering mind kept taking me back to the alternate. What things Desiree would no longer be able to do, restrictions on future possibilities despite her dreams and goals, medications she would be bound to for the rest of her life, painful surgeries she would have to endure, and so the list went on. I wanted to smack my brain down a few levels to where my heart was trying to direct it. My husband, of course, skillfully changed the subject and eased my mind away from it for the time being.
Once we arrived back home, I contacted our insurance company, who was wonderful about directing us to an experienced doctor that is very familiar with Marfan's Syndrome. The step by step of what would take place was explained, websites were provided, and literature laid out. I was a nervous wreck, and battled with my own mind, doing everything I could to talk myself into trusting God to take care of it all and allow Him to be in control.
This morning I awoke to "the big day" of tests and procedures, the day of Desiree's scheduled appointment with the cardiologist. I remember praying last night while laying in bed, and must have fallen asleep in the process, because I don't remember anything else past that. I do remember asking God to give me the peace and comfort that only He could give... and let me tell you, I slept better last night than I have in a long time. I woke up without rattling nerves, and with an attitude that literally surprised myself... that I was wasting my time taking her to the appointment, because everything would be fine.
We went through the motions though. Mike even called me while we were sitting in the waiting room, and I know he heard the battle my mind was trying to create through my voice as I spoke... and yet when the doctor finally came in to greet us, I knew at that very moment who had control. All the "positive thinking" the Lord has been dealing with me about over the last couple weeks flowed through my mind. He had been prepping me for that very moment. He had given me the instructions and the battle gear ahead of time... weeks before I would even need it. Here I thought perhaps it was for someone else He would put in my path, so I've been sharing it here, there and everywhere hoping to reach the intended recipient... yet all along it was for me! With my eyes I saw Dr. Anderson going through all the motions running tests, talking about what he was doing and why, explaining procedures as he performed them on my daughter... yet all I heard was every positive thought, every assuring bible verse I had read, and every word of comfort He's been speaking to me over the last couple weeks.
Seeing Desiree gathering her things snapped me back into the situation, as Dr. Anderson approached me and said he's having difficulty understanding why Desiree's doctor insisted on her being tested. He splurred out simple explanations and solutions for all those "symptoms" I allowed my mind to get worked up about that day I received the call, and he said just to appease her doctor, he's going to have one more test run for the records on Friday morning, but as far as he's concerned, he's ruled out even the slightest possibility of Marfan's Syndrome, and that Desiree should go right about her healthy lifestyle of sports, and pursue all the ambitions she had apparently told him about as he was running his tests. He called her brilliant, and said what a refreshment it is to him to see that there is still a teenager out there with a desire to accomplish what her heart and mind conceives.
Desiree and I celebrated by enjoying lunch together at Peking... our favorite Chinese restaurant. Desiree kept asking me from across the table what I was smiling about. It was hard to put into words for her that the smile, aside from the opportunity to testify to my own daughter, was my realization that with the Lord's help, I had just won victory in the battle of me verses myself. My heart and my mind went head to head against each other... and even in that battle, the Lord was in control. So my quest to share positivity with those around me will continue, because the more I find to share with others, the more my own heart can store for its next battle.
